Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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