i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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