I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
