You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
