Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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