First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
