I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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