Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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