Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Randomize
