one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
