last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
