I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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