So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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