I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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