I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
It was like giving head to a cactus.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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