Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I need water and some morals
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
