I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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