If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
