So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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