if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
