You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
