laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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