You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
