you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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