Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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