420 ftw
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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