In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
