You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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