i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
