It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
