I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
