After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
