ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
