If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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