Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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