Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
