At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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