I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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