I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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