it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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