Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You are the jesus of drinking
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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