I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
