You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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