did you get engaged???
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
