Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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