my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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