You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
