i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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