wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
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im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
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I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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