the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
