Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
