Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
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What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
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Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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