i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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