I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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