On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
