toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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