I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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